I shouldn't but I can sense the tip of your knife on my aching back. I won't be able to forget when your name is roughly carved on it.
I thought I knew a person. I guess from the moment I wrote this post's title that I do not know her as I thought I did. I guess what they say is true, everyone has a few skeletons in their wardrobes, well hers was the BoogeyMan.
Maybe I don't have the right to feel this way, I guess I considered myself as her friend when I really wasn't. I wish she just knew she could have confided in me anything she wanted. Whether it's small white lies or hidden ticking dynamites, I would have guard them with my life. But life goes on, and so will we. I might keep this blunt knife of hers together with the rest but I wish that youfind happiness in the odd cornersthat you seek.
I know I haven't posted anything for quite a while now.. Okay, more than a while. But I've got a good reason! It's because I actually found me a:
job
university
and the best thing of all, I found meself a boyfriend~!
He is simply wonderful! But I'm keeping my mouth shut on this one, as I'm scared sh**less of perhaps jinxing this amazing relationship. (I know you may not believe it but writing about stuff that I like, almost never ever has a good result. Perhaps, I'll post about this peculiar curse of mine in the near future.)
Anyways... all I gotta say is that I have lost my way. I have lost sight on what was important to me and somehow bit by bit I am trying to gain them all back. And I must admit, I have also lost the incentive to write.
Writing with the knowledge that not a lot of people will be reading, does disappoint me.. a lot. But as I pondered more on the subject, I realized that I write not to have tons of readers, but
I write because I want to share what I've come to know, experienced and ignored.
Maybe perhaps, to some, these words mean nothing at all, but thankfully there is always the "other" audience, and that is the audience that I want to reach out to. So without further ado all I I have left to say (and been dying to spill it out already) is..
Is there a difference between something that will disappear and something that never existed?
I asked Ying one Sunday afternoon. “Yeah, I will miss the thing that will disappear more than the thing that never existed.” She answered. “Why is that?” I asked. “Because how can you miss something that has never existed?”
As I pondered over that question, I couldn’t help but agree with what she said. It is true that we cannot miss something that has never happened since we have never experienced it. But I say that with that same statement is that we also start to miss out on what could have happened.
For example, think about a love that has disappeared in your life. Sure it may have broken your heart but if someone would ask you if you would want to relive it again, you would agree without a thought right? Because no matter how painful the ending was, the beginning and the middle of your love story contains memories and experiences that made you what you are today, memories and experiences that will forever be engraved in your whole being (I don’t wanna say heart, too cheesy >.< ). Now think about never ever having that love, never ever having that relationship, never experiencing the tingles you felt with that special person, never having the chance to notice and listen to those love songs that reminded you of that person. You will never experience all those feelings and events just because you simply didn’t do anything to make it happen. Maybe you just didn’t ask her/him out. Perhaps, you weren’t interested or he/she wasn’t. All those memories that could have happened are gone all because of the choice you or he/she made. Therefore that thing that has never existed now creates an even deeper impact than the thing that will disappear. And that leads us to another question: What would cause you more pain, regret or reminiscence? Which one will cause you more pain, which one will hover over your head in the middle of the night while darkness surrounds you as your silent tears fall down your cheek? Which one will you be longing to go back to? Which one will affect the unknown future?
Which one will cost you more…?
Is it the regret of the choices you have made to have caused that relationship, event and experience to not exist or the reminiscing of the past memories that you have gained?
So in my point of view, the thing that has never existed is the thing that I will miss more simply because in life
we tend to regret the things we didn't do more than the ones we did.
I believe in you. Can you feel the deep impact it does to your soul?
I believe in you. Don’t you just ache for someone to say those words and mean it?
I believe in you. It’s been a phrase I’ve always been longing for…
All these years I’ve been telling everyone that I didn’t know what to do. But now after all that time I’ve figured out, I’ve figured out what I’ve always wanted to do.
I wanted to write.
Writing is my passion. It’s just something that makes me feel happy, makes me feel worthy, something that makes me feel alive in this stone cold world. However, even if it creates all these emotions inside of me there will be times when I just stop believing in myself and start distrusting on what I can do. I begin to think of what the little me can offer to others when there are so many more talented writers out there? What would be special about my writing that people would be able find solace in it, when most of the times I can’t even write what I want to write? And in these times, I just want someone to tell me those simple words.
“You can do it. I believe in you.”
I want someone to believe in me and someone I can believe in. I want someone who will say those words and mean it. Not just because it’s what friends say, something that is customary, no I want the real thing. Someone who believes that I can be who I wanna be and do what I wanna do.
So I guess until now I still haven’t figure out what I wanna study because I feel that no one believes in me and each one doubts my abilities. I sense that everyone keeps underestimating me so I keep underestimating myself. I know that no one believes in me so I slowly stop believing in myself...
I have to admit. I envy my friend Kirsten. Her dad believes in her writing. He thinks that it’s something really important so he keeps helping her with it.
So there's this band "There For Tomorrow" that I really like who made a cover of a really good song, "Ice Box" originally performed by Omarion. And now I'm addicted to it. I can't stop listening to it! You guys have to listen to it too!
Here's the video.
The Lyrics:
Fussing and fighting, we, back at it again I know that it's my fault you don't understand (no) I got memories, this is crazy You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know Good with ma, good with pa, cool with all my friends I should try, to decide, want to let you in, but (no) that means memories, and it's crazy You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know
Girl I really wanna work this out cause I'm tired of fighting (tired of fighting) And I really hope you still want me the way I want you (you, you) I said I really wanna work this out, but girl I'm trying, it's no excuse, no excuse
(But I got this) I got this Icebox where my heart used to be (But I got this) Icebox where my heart used to be (I said I got it) (No) I'm so Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold (I said I got it) (No) I'm so Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold
(But I got this) I got this Icebox where my heart used to be (I said I got this) Icebox where my heart used to be (No) I'm so Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold (No) I'm so Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold
Why can't I get it right? Just can't let it go? I open up she let me down I won't feel that no more (no) I got memories this is crazy You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know I don't mean to take it out on you baby but I can't help it Cause my heart is in the same old condition that baby left it (and I) I apologize for making you cry Look me in my eyes and promise you wont do me the same
Girl I really wanna work this out cause I'm tired of fighting (fighting) And I really hope you still want me the way I want you (you, you) I said I really wanna work this out, but girl I'm trying, it's no excuse, no excuse
I got this Icebox where my heart used to be (I said I got this) Icebox where my heart used to be (I said I got it) (No) I'm so cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold (No) I'm so cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold
I got this Icebox where my heart used to be (I said I got this) Icebox where my heart used to be (No) I'm so cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold (No) I'm so cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold
I don't wanna be stuck off in this cold cold world Don't wanna mess this up better keep your eye on me girl Don't wanna mess this up better keep your eye on me girl Don't wanna mess this up better keep your eye on me girl
I don't wanna be stuck off in this cold cold world (I don't want to be) Don't wanna mess this up better keep your eye on me girl Don't wanna mess this up better keep your eye on me girl Don't wanna mess this up better keep your eye on me girl
Girl I really wanna work this out cause I'm tired of fighting (fighting) And I really hope you still want me the way I want you (you, you) I said I really wanna work this out, but girl I'm trying, it's no excuse, no excuse
I got this Icebox where my heart used to be This Icebox where my heart used to be (No) I'm so cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold (No) I'm so cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold
I got this Icebox where my heart used to be This Icebox where my heart used to be (No) I'm so cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold (No) I'm so cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold I'm So Cold
"You're the only girl I know that doesn't clean up her room"
My mom's most used phrase used on me... and my dad's. So my parents think I'm the only girl who acts like a pig in my own room. What can i say? I like my room that way. Rooms are for free expressions, not for good impressions! (I took that from a movie.) And what is this that just because I'm a girl I am supposed to have the "clean" gene implanted in me?! Seriously! It's so sexist! I mean when did you ever hear a parent complain about their son's room being messy? Never! They even excuse their son for it. "Oh, Johnny is just being a boy and boys will be boys." That's what moms tell themselves when they're inside their son's room trying to pick up God knows what in a room that smells like rotten eggs! But when it comes to us girls... We've got it rough. Because everytime they come inside our unkempt, untidy and imperfect room they immediately think that we are not girls but dirty little pigs. Yep my mom's most second used phrase on me. "Are you even a girl?!"
-Sighs- I have a dream. I have a dream of a world where girls can act like pigs and not be questioned about it. I dream that one day, girls rooms can be soo messy and their parents won't be confused if she was a real girl and not a boy. I dream that one day girls can be dirty and parents can be proud of it!
